Chapter 4: The Tale of the Campus Gophers

Don't know the cast members of this drama yet? 

Read about them here first!

Next up in line of characters of which we must explain,

Is a group, it seems, that really must have fluff instead of a brain.

They run all over campus, looking ever self-important,

But their only real accomplishment is making things discordant.

These furry creatures are, indeed, the famous and unmatched,

Campus Gophers tasked to run HR, to which they are attached.

But they, though cute, have not one clue, of what they should be doing,

They come to work and run all day; who knows what they’re pursuing?

The furry Campus Gophers, who should protect our rights and needs,

Can in the end give no assistance, leaving us out in the weeds.

It’s true, we’d all do better, if the Gophers simply stayed in bed,

These furry little creatures’ antics leave us hanging by a thread!

But also it is true our campus gophers have it made,

For all they have to do is show up, and they still get paid!

For the rest of us must do our work if we want to remain,

Except, of course, for Rulers of the university domain!

But still, for faculty, it seems, that hope, it dies the last,

For when they have a problem, or if they feel harassed,

They take it to the gophers, with hearts still filled with hope;

As if the gophers will do something, instead of jumping rope.

For the gophers of HR, alas, are quite the playful crew,

They never like to work at all; the thought they quite eschew.

But still they like to look the part, all dressed in suit and tie;

Yet when someone looks to them for help, they’ve got an alibi!

Avoiding work and playing games are their very passion,

All, of course, while looking smart; they really love their fashion.

To look as if they’re doing stuff, a game they did create,

In which they throw a ball around while faculty just wait.

The rules of playing are quite plain, the gophers know them well,

Whoever has the ball must look important and so very swell;

And act as if they really plan to help to sort things out,

But faith and optimism quickly leave, as hope turns into doubt.

For when the gopher does not know what he should truly do –

(And that is mostly all the time, for rarely have they a clue) –

All that he must do, we’ve learned, to get out of the jam,

Is to another gopher throw the ball, and then get up and scram!

And then whoever caught the ball, ‘tis his turn to play now;

He puts on a façade of worth and gives a courtly bow.

But then at last when he likewise feels he has not a clue,

The game continues as before, leaving faculty to stew.

At first the faculty might think that HR’s on the case,

And soon the problem will be solved, and all things in their place.

But then the clever faculty can’t help but see the light,

The gophers are incompetent, they’re really not that bright!

And so the faculty are left to chase the ball around,

They have an awful chore, and their headache is profound.

They’re bounced from here to there and given balderdash,

They’re jerked around so quickly that they end up with whiplash.

Alas, the gophers do not know, the purpose of the game,

It’s reason is to make right sure that Big Boss keeps his claim;

To be the one true ruler, undisputed, the dictator,

In the university, Big Boss wants no one who is greater.

And so the gophers’ game, we now can plainly understand,

Is nothing but a plot to take the faculty by hand,

And lead them down a primrose path as if towards real assistance,

But really twist and turn them ‘round so there is no resistance.

The silly little game that’s played by gophers of HR,

Is quite an old and dirty plot that’s known both near and far.

A wide variety of names for this game can be found,

But usually it’s known quite simply as the runaround.

Most faculty unfortunately have been beaten down,

By administrators bent on power of their campus crown;

So faculty, afraid, just cower in the face of confrontation,

The Campus Gophers’ plot works well with no real hesitation.

But then we see, amidst the chaos, caused by gophers’ games,

A knight of courage, without fear, standing for his claims;

To others, setting the example, gallantly did fight,

He’s the Brave Little Lecturer, the true and noble knight.

When faced with lack of justice at the university,

He went to the campus gophers and told them what should be.

To play their game with him, they tried both night and day,

But the Brave Little Lecturer would not be turned away.

He went along with them at first to watch their plan of action,

Then countered quickly so their plan could not gain any traction.

Then HR fired back at him with lies and with deception,

But each attack they made, he blocked without exception.

The campus gophers charged at him, all in a furry mass,

But he repelled them, one and all; they all fell on their ass!

Big Boss’s plans to rule supreme, with faculty oppressed,

Had just been thwarted by the knight; at war, he was the best!

WELL, UP HERE NEXT, SO PLAIN TO SEE,

AS WE ENJOY OUR MORNING TEA;

THE JUSTICE SYSTEM WE’LL CONSIDER,

IS RIGGED, FOR SALE TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!